I'm beginning to feel unwanted. I just don't get it. Of all people, that feeling of being unwanted, comes from my parents. MY PARENTS! Can you believe that?? What did I do wrong? I've told them where I go on alternate weeknights and yet, they claimed I didn't inform them. WTF!

I've told you countless times and yet, you told me I didn't! Why not admit that YOU'VE FORGOTTEN??

The most outrageous things they did last weekend was to change the padlock. WTF! I only reached home like 15 minutes before 8pm. I've never reached home later then 1030pm, unlike my younger brother who always return home between 1am to 4am everyday.

And I just don't get it. I know I'm NOT THAT PIOUS. So, don't make me if I don't want to. Especially to attend that religious teacher's Saturday's morning class. Someone who keeps giving the same lame jokes and who talks softly through the microphone. And those examples which I didn't think its funny, yet your stupid fans laughed about it!

It's not that I'm criticising this religious teacher. But seriously, even if the topic is good, but if I don't find the way that person teach interesting, why must I attend?

I don't club, I don't drink nor smoke nor do i spend time hanging outside. What else do you want me to be?? Enough of all the lies. Stop being too "PERFECT" in front of your siblings. I hate it. I hate the shows that we've been putting up. And because of other people's mistakes, I'm the one who have to suffer most of the time!

Because of those minahs and makreps who hang around, wasting their stupid bloody time, You're NOT supposed to ASSUME we're just like those people WHO WASTE THEIR BLOODY LIVES HANGING AROUND FOR NOTHING, ESPECIALLY AT ORCHARD.

And to think that you don't even trust us on this! Oh, I forgot. You never EVEN trust me before.

Seriously, I just don't feel like returning home. Feel like renting a unit and never came back. You dare us to do that. Perhaps, to them, I'm just a BIG mistake. A mistake which they made and that they regret having me in the first place.

The things they did to me in the past, till now, the hatred just grows bigger then it used to be..

1stly, my brother bought himself a new handphone, just like Shasha. *sigh* When's my turn to get a new handphone? Lol. Anyway, mine still workable. So, that's alright for now.

2ndly, Henry, my colleague always commented I looked pretty. Am i? Gee, thank you. Still made me blush thou I'm wearing normal clothes. Only yesterday I wore my floral skirt. He commented that it showed my curves nicely. Aww, is it? Tee Hee. Thanks anyway (eventhough in person I told him I don't) Haha.

3rdly, I'm extremely tired. *sigh* Know what? I've been checking the computers at Lab 3 and found some of them faulty with the mouse. What?? How can that be possible. I know it must be the work of some upper primary students. Last 2 weeks was perfectly fine. *sigh* Need to inform Vincent about this. Oh, and I tidy the lab. Gosh, I must be pretty hardworking. Haha.

4thly, I'm amazed that the printer ink was out for Lab 2. I mean, who the hell did their printing there?? Must be those trainers from Mastereign. Stealer! YOU SHOULDN'T PRINT YOUR STUPID WORK IN THIS SCHOOL, B'CAUSE YOU'RE ONLY PART TIME TRAINERS HERE!!

5thly, I'm getting sick. *sigh* The most simplest and easiest to identify that I'm not well is when my "big business in the toilet" doesn't look normal.

6thly, I remembered that I was locked out of the house with my sister when I was in Primary school. I think the reason was too fight with my sister and my mom drove us out of the house and we waited for about a few hours, crying outside the house (and also to fold clothes).

7thly, going gym today. Yey! Hate my chubby cheeks. Shasha's boyfriend commented I'm chubby! So, need to lose more weight. At least 5 kg less!

8thly, sharks. Thunderstorms can be heard. It's gona rain!

9thly, received message from someone with that one Traffic Police's number. Claimed that the owner had passed away due to accident with a cab. I was like "Eh? Must be untrue" But the person told me that she doesn't joke about death. Hmm, whatever. I don't care. If you're alive, know what? To hell with you and hope you burned to hell for lying to me. But if it's true, ok I've got nothing to say.

10thly, hate the british trainer who is conducting in my lab. Always comment me to do this and that. I'm not your servant ok! Do yourself! Urgh!

I'm honestly very extremely frustrated. Why? Because, firstly they use my lab for Chinese Oral. That's alright. I don't mind. But the one thing which I'm extremely frustrated is that the STUDENTS NEVER PUSH IN THE CHAIRS! And who the hell these students think they are?? One BIG SHOT is it?? The room was in the nicest conditions with all the chairs being pushed in and yet THESE DEVILS make a HUGE MESS as thou a HURRICANE just entered.

And I'm NOT YOUR DAMN SERVANT TO PUSH ALL THOSE CHAIRS AND CLEAR ALL THE MESS YOU ALL HAVE MADE! And yet, I've to bear with all your LOUD VOICES, SCREAMING and RUNNING! No respect. Call yourself a student. But none of you have a discipline. I'm getting more and more fed up with the students here.

I'm not going to arrange the chairs neatly. Know why? Because all of these students just take advantage. You use them, BE RESPONSIBLE for it! Urghh! Always get onto my nerve. Why can't you people leave my labs alone??
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Busy day yesterday. Rushing here and there. Make up lessons for my P1s. Then had to run here and there in the school. Preparing slides for the P3s. Basically, I've no rest yesterday. After the class, I was busy for today's Teachers' Workshop (Luckily it went well. And I managed to finish the notes on time and print them out).

I'm getting more sick nowadays. Not enough rest, the demands are too high, which I'm trying and struggling to finish most of my tasks. *sigh* Sore throat, block nose and occasional cough had attacked me.

Weekend was boring. Was supposed to go for movie on Sat with Haz, but he had to wait for the ships to send the crates. So, it was cancelled. What I did on both Sunday and Saturday was I went jogging.

Unbelievable, but true. Saturday, I managed to jog for 4 rounds and walk 1 round while Sunday, I managed to jog 5 rounds and walk 1 round. Well, surprisingly I could do it eventhough my legs nearly cave in. And yesterday, went to hot yoga alone since none were free to join me. And yesterday was the first yoga after I stopped going for slightly more then a month. But at least, I still can stretch.

I was about to go to the yoga studio, when I heard this particular woman, talking on the phone saying "This place is ridiculous. I ask for another key 'cause I don't know where my key is but they don't want to give me another key!" Look, woman. It's all because of your STUPIDITY. Who ask you to forget where you put your bloody key? And how can you blame the center??

And for goodness sake, they can't give you the MASTER key. Use your STUPID BLOODY brain before you ACCUSE the center from being DISORGANISED or not UP TO STANDARD. You're the one who need to kick out of the center. And get this straight. NO talking on the phone loudly, 'cause I'm just like the other members who despise LOUD talking.

Stress, pressure..You named it all. I hate it. Really damn hate it. Know what? Next week is the most sickening and irritating week I've to go through and worse, I haven't even plan anything for next Monday's lesson for the students and next Tuesday's lesson for the teachers and I need to get the handouts done asap. Can someone help me?

Seriously, it's going to be a doomed week for me next week. *sigh* Anyway, thou this is the second entry, just that I didn't mentioned something in the first entry. Anyway, received an email from this particular teacher to ask me to teach her students how to use ipod and Newsmaker. I don't mind but not at the very last minute.

How is it possible for me to prepare all the materials when you started to email me late yesterday morning and expect me to teach next Monday till Wednesday?? I'm not one super woman! I'm also a human being and not necessary I'm an IT trainer means I have to do what you all wants on the spot! That's utterly insane! Urghh!!

Just don't know why I keep feeling pressurized nowadays ever since the beginning of the year. Perhaps, really the IT level here is too demanding and too advance. I can really died of shockness *sigh*

Please God, give me all the strength and the knowledge in improving my teaching skills and to make me more efficient in my work. I may most likely to reconsider continuing with this line if this is how they start to treat me and every single last minute things I had to attend.

*sigh* like just now, they asked me to do filming at the very last minute when I'm supposed to do shrinking of notes. And I'm soo stupid to tell them that I'm free at the moment. *duh* of course, just when I'm about to do my work after lunch, I'm always free what! Urghh..

I know I didn't post yesterday. Was busy at work playing online skateboarding game. Lol.. I mean, I did do my work but at the same time I did try to squeeze in my free time.

Anyway, on Wednesday I went to the gym alone. Did the workout myself. *sigh* since none want to follow. So, well..It's not as thou I'm not used to go there alone. Anyway, did the treadmill for about 40 minutes before I used some of the machines. It was surprising for me that I managed to do about 26 sets for this particular machine which needs me to carry vertically upwards. Usually I'm having trouble just to do that. So, in other words, I did master carrying it at 10kg. Lol.

After the workout, met up with this guy who had a crushed on me since Secondary school days. Thou he's in other streams last time, we only communicate through frienster and occasional smses. The first thing he said to me when he saw me was "Oh my, you've gained weight". Yea, I know I've gained weight. My weight when I'm in my early teenage years was totally different compare to now. I think Im about 5kg more then last time.

Anyway, went to Ang Mo Kio and ended up at KFC and trying the new Melt 'n' Cheese. Honestly, I didn't like it. Might as well I bought the similar ones at Taco Bell instead of KFC. Plus the KFC's Melt 'n' Cheese is much more smaller and doesn't have much fillings in it. Plus the cheese looks different. And the price is soo expensive!

We chatted. Mostly he told me about his job, he owned a sound company which he opened together with one of the malay singer's elder brother. Not sure if it's true but the sound of it, I guessed he must be telling the truth. Plus, he told me about some of the people I knew in secondary school, thou I'm not in the same class with them. It was shocking to find out that some of them, who are in my age, have already married. I declined to comment what was my opinion when I first heard it. Lol, guessed lots of people know what I was thinking of at first. Hehe..

Nowadays, I'm feeling super tired. Especially in the morning. After I woke up between 5 to 7hours of sleep, I'm still feeling tired. It's as though I didn't sleep at all. Perhaps, I'm getting tired of the job. *sigh*

Met up with Bebeh Shasha yesterday. After quite sometime, met her at last. Meeting place was at Tampines MRT station. While waiting, I notice there's these couple from one of the school, kept on munching despite the officers sent a reminder over the PA system. After the third time, one of them went up to the students and both of them left the station. I wonder if they are actually deaf?

Anyway, went to Giant to report that my thumbdrive could not be read after frantically repeated tries. It was amazingly quite deserted eventhough it was about 645pm. Lol. Anyway, the person checked and found out it's true and told me that I could get a replacement! I was excited and couldn't believe my ears but when he checked that it was a 2 week old thumbdrive, he told me that he need to check with his manager.

At las, luck is on my side and I still get a replacement! Yipee. Thanks bebeh! You really made my day =) Anyway, we took a short tour around Giant Tampines and went back to Tampines and had our meal at MacD near the interchange.

Hmm, there's quite a lot of things that we shared. Lots of joy I could say. And someone's s still on cloud 9. Hmm, you better quit clubbing gal or I'll tell Ryan about it! Mwhahaha *evil grin* lol.

Anyway, thanks gal for meeting and accompany me eventhough our original plan was to visit your grandfather, but since he was discharged, you still meet me. Anyway, hope that your grandpa gets well soon *hugs bebeh*

And reminder to myself, always..Always eject the thumbdrive or I'll knock my own head =S

It's just a busy day for me today. And yesterday I didn't have time to update my blog too. See the snaps which I took yesterday before I left work. Love it. Firstly is because I did bring my cleansing foam ! Haha! And put on make up.

This the dress which I wore yesterday. The one which I bought at geylang. Love the colour and the prints. Just make my body looks slender. Lol!

Weekend was boring. Had to go back to office on Saturday for Tea Party with a handful of newbies. *sigh* wasted our time. Met my other colleagues like Fai, Vik & Man. So what we did after the Tea Party, we went for lunch at Lau Pa Sat and hang around there till 4pm. And Sunday, just rest at home.

ARGGGHHHHH!!! My thumbdrive can't be read in any computers anymore!! Shit!! How?? Someone help me..Pleasee ="(

hate it. really damn hate it. I proposed the lesson on 24th April, but in the first place, it was rejected because they are unable to attend due to oral. And today, they told me that it's ok and shall proceed as per normal. What the hell!

And now I've to quickly get the notes done asap and do printing myself. Urgh..Luckily it's not much people who will attend it. *sigh*

I've got something to tell here. But I'm not sure if I should tell here. People might just say "WHAT??" Guess I better not tell it here yet. When the time comes, I guess.

Anyway, just now. Guessed what? My subject head was telling my supervisor "Oh, the little girl here, not Sufen" I was like "Eh? Me little girl eh?" Haha..

Gosh, I'm bored. Hate being stressed up. Hate what actually happened yesterday.

Was on the way home with Lia in MRT. And around Lavendar area, there's this 4 China men entering the crowded train. Of all places, they surrounded me and Lia. And worse, they tried to move the handle which I was holding on to. And they purposely moved the handle. I said some vulgar (cibai, which is in Chinese and the actual meaning is vagina) but was heard by them. And they spoke in Mandarin that they will drag me and show who actually have that. In other words, they spoke among themselves that they wanted to rape me.

After I fiercely put a firm grip to the handle, they stopped pulling the handle which I clinged on. Another thing which I can't stand is that their body smell! Sucks! Yucks!

And worse, they looked at both of us especially me up and down as thou I did something wrong. I'm just a a normal passenger, who use the handle, just like everyone and I have no where to hold. And don't expect me to fall down on them. Never!

*sigh* It really scares me *sigh* I'm having phoebia now *shudders*

Firstly, I would like to say

Met up with Lia on both days. Went to different places and helped her to shop for make up for her work and I bought myself 2 dresses from Geylang market. Wee, I love it. Will upload the pic of my dresses soon. Let the pictures do the talking. Ah, Lia borrowed digital camera from her office and all we did was snapped..snapped & more snaps!

There's a lot of things I wanted to type here. But it seemed that some things are not meant to let others know.

What I feared, might be happening soon. And past events might occurred again. Getting into trouble is really a huge fear for me. Crying non stop doesn't help the situation. Heartbreaks are always common to me.

Pains are always far too common to me. Same goes for beating. What I want in life, I always don't get it. Love from family especially, is important for me. But seriously, all this while, I find that everything is just a drama. I thought it changed for the better as soon as I turned into adult last year.

But things still goes the same. The same scars had open back and it's getting wider. I started to think negatively nowadays. It's like I'm a jinx to my family. Lots of people doesn't understand the real situation.

Suffered since young. Countless tears had rolled down my cheeks. Favouritism is always the issue. Perhaps, what some people prefer is to see me die in front of them. Even as I'm typing this, I just can't hold my tears back.

Beneath those joy, lies the deepest dark moments. Moments which I don't want to go through again. Sometimes, I wish that I'm the one who is dead instead of my second sister. But again, there's always a reason why God doesn't want me to be dead yet. Perhaps there's hope. Is there? I doubt so.

And like I say before, I hate people who commands me to do this and that. No matter how hard you tried to make me be a good person in the next world, the more I find myself astray.

I looked up to you, thou you're more senior then me. But yet, no matter how hard I tried to please both of you, still in your eyes, I felt as thou I'm just one big jinx, a big burden that you have to handle. Am I that bad? Am I that worse?

Whatever happens in the future, no matter what I always remember what you had done towards me. Whether it's good or bad, I do take note of it. But the anger that I had swallowed, grows bigger then usual. And without you realising, my patience is getting thinner and thinner, just like the ozone layer.

I just don't want to blow my top and bad incidence will follow soon after. Just don't make me a rude and disrespectful person if all of you made me become one. After all, I'm just a normal human being. I have my own life, you have your own life. Just don't be a busybody and tell me what I have to do, according to your will. I don't live because of you. I live because of Allah's will.

I just want to say, I'm sorry for being disobedient, not respecting you. But because you made me this way, not giving me chance to explain myself, not giving me opportunity for my own free time, my own life, I have to. Because I DESERVE to have my OWN life, if they can have theirs, why can't I have my OWN??

No matter what your promises are, I don't believe them anymore. All my years on earth, everything I do, you find that I'm not worth a single breathe. Even if I had to die soon, which I don't even know when since all humans will have to die soon, I just want to say, thanks for everything...

Just wana wish Have a Good Weekend people! Long weekend since tomorrow is Good Friday.

Anyway, had a heartbreaking morning just now. I know I'm not supposed to be pissed off but it's like my dad had been asking me to iron the clothes every morning while I'm ironing my clothes. I don't really mind but seriously, I barely have enough time to catch the morning bus or I might be late.

I nagged to myself. I'm sorry dad but really you should have ask mom. I mean, what is she for? She should iron her husband clothes too. *sigh* If you ask me to iron the night before, I don't even mind if I had to iron more then one of your clothes, but not in the morning, even if it's one piece.

I just don't want to reach work late. Hope you understand. I'm truly sorry..

Wanted to go gym yesterday but because I forgot to bring my wallet and my membership card which is in my wallet, I didn't go. Instead, I went Tampines to pay a visit to her and her family as her aunt who had stroke for 3 years passed away.

Initially I'm supposed to meet Fiza at 7.45pm. And because I under estimate the time, I reached there about 30 minutes late opposite ITE Tampines. A lot of her relatives came. And gosh, Faiza looks thin!

Really sorry for your loss, gal. So sweet of your mom that she actually remembers us. And I think I said something wrong after which I didnt really mean it. My malay language very sucks, really.

Then, after that visit, went to meet Hazry at Tampines Interchange. Actually, I'm not sure why he wanted to meet me yesterday. Perhaps he knew that I didn't have a proper meal during lunch time and he treated me dinner. But, I only had two pieces of plain prata while he had fried rice. Met up his best friend, Didi who had piercing on his face. Nice chap also. I mean, from the look of it but I dont really know him that well. Still a bit nervous.

About 10.30pm, Hazry sent me home thou before 10.30pm I did felt lethargic. Once I reached home, ensured that my wallet is kept in my bag before I went to work. Nothing much for today. A bit tired that's all. And gosh, I really don't feel like working.

*sigh* Really bad luck today. Switched on the iBook laptop and suddenly the screen went haywire. Looked like the motherboard crashed! Urghh..All my private info are in the computer *sigh* Niwei, not only that. Overslept as I was too tired and sleepy. *sigh* And reached work about 10 minutes late. Plus my computer is super slow today *sigh* On top of that, I forgot to bring my wallet to work! Damn! So, had instant oats at work *sigh*

Anyway, a bit of updates on what actually happened previous days.

Sunday
Didn't go out. Supposed to go to Abg Art's wedding but I didn't go. Firstly, I do not have a partner to go to. And I can't possibly ask my bebehs if I can go with them. Most of them have their own partners and I don't want to be extras. Secondly, laziness had overcame me. Instead, I went jogging with my dad about 6+pm.

Saturday
Again, laziness had overcame me. Just slacking and washing my clothes and folding dry clothes.

Friday
Most hilarious date I've attended. Met my friend who is 40 year old teacher who had not married yet. Met him at Bugis and had our dinner opposite the Bugis Junction at the Chinese Hawker. Then we walked to Suntec, Marina Square, Esplanade, Raffles Place near Coller Quay and Chinatown. And we spent 1 hour hailing for taxi.

And this guy didn't want to take MRT at first. Only after I showed him my tired face and was kind of annoyed and even told him "Perhaps we should take NEL MRT instead of finding of taxi. And I don't think they will stop for us", then he followed my suggestion. *sigh* waste my time. Wanted to reach home at 10pm but instead I reached home nearly 11pm. Urghh..Hate it.

And it's my first time going on a date that I had to wait for more then 1 hour to get a taxi. It's soo sucks!